MY RANT FOR THE DAY
Well what a time i have been having lately. Having a chronic illness (RA) can be such a pain in the ass. Not to mention the fact that everything I love to do uses my hands. I love to knit and bead and cook....all things that can be very hard to do. So I get down on myself and depressed, which most people with a chronic illness do, and I think WHY ME? THEN, add the fact that I am overweight and trying so hard to lose it. I started out real strong and motivated and went down hill fast...and i dont even recall why...I say to myself..oh my periods coming....oh my RA hurts so bad today...oh its snowing....When all it is, are excuses for why i have no willpower. Why do we emotionally eat? Its a question I ask myself all the time because its one of the most depressing things for me to do...Lets see if I understand myself and way of thinking...Something bad happens (and depending on the day) I eat. Now we arent just talking about eating regular food. I have scarfed down jelly bread, scoops of old icing that have been in the fridge for months...And the best thing for me is sauce and cheese. I mean like lasagna, manicotti,pizza. Those are my favorites (gotta have the butter bread AND DONT FORGET THE DIET PEPSI...GOD FORBID I DRINK REGULAR...IT WILL RUIN MY DIET!!) then i have my chocolate dessert..not snack dessert..dinner dessert! I have to have it to "cut the grease" on my palet! Then i eat all night until my belly hurts so bad that i think i am goin to explode!! And then its one more piece or bite...Then its tums all night (not too bad..alot of calcium in them) Then I am so mad at myself and depressed that i cant see straight! And then i start all over again! its a vicious cycle! depression,eating,depression from eating so on and so on! THEN add the illness...And I am sure alot of people can relate..even if you have no illness..we all have something that makes us crazy.
These groups are great that I am in. People are so wonderful and caring and really understand when you say "I AM DONE" BUT why do we torture ourselves? Knowing the outcome of our choices. I dont care what people say..Food isnt a choice..its a drug..my drug of choice right now..not alcohol, drugs, shopping or even sex! (which i think disappoints my husband but that is a whole other rant!! :) ) There is a wonderful lady/author/inspirational speaker that i love. Her name is IYANLA VANZANT.
She wrote this poem/thoughts below. Its one of my favorites in the world. I read it all the time...so i am goin to share it and hope you like it too!! Be kind to yourself! Tomorrows another day!!
Yesterday I cried - Iyanla Vanzant
Yesterday, I cried. I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra, and I had myself a good cry. I'm telling you, I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale. I cried until my ears were hot. I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet. I want you to understand, I had myself a really good cry yesterday. Yesterday, I cried, for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry. I cried for all the days, and all the ways, and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself, only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to me the same things I had already done to myself. I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen; for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up; for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used. I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry. Yesterday, I cried. I cried because little boys get left by their daddies; and little girls get forgotten by their mommies; and daddies don't know what do to, so they leave; and mommies get left, so they get mad. I cried because I had a little boy, and because I was a little girl and because I was a mommy who didn't know what to do, and because I wanted my daddy to be there for me so badly until I ached. Yesterday, I cried. I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt. I cried because hurt has no place to go except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place, and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up. I cried because it was too late. I cried because it was time. I cried because my soul knew that I didn't know that my soul knew everything I needed to know. I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good. It felt so very, very bad. In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming. Because Yesterday, I cried with an agenda.